Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Search Ends Here

New York, NY

4 May 2006

Dear Mr Varney

I am writing to apply for the post of First Team Manager as advertised in the Daily Mail. I am confident that you will agree that I am uniquely qualified to fill this role and have attached my CV for your kind perusal.

Having been mascot for the club twice in the late 1970s, I am very comfortable leading the team onto the pitch. Indeed the club captains on those occasions (Lawrie Madden and Leighton Philips) will pay testament to my powers of good fortune (we lost both times).

My first step upon being appointed would be to ensure the club attracts some of the ‘biggest names’ in football. At the top of my transfer shortlist would be the likes of Yves Makaba-Makalamby, Florent Sinama Pongolle, and Stylianos Giannakopoulos. I am also confident that the club’s good contacts at PSV Eindhoven could be enough to persuade Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink that his future too lies at the Valley.

My mantra as a manager in Sunday League football has always been ‘inclusivity and flexibility’ and I intend to encourage this at Charlton too. Those players not selected for the first team will not simply be left to rot away in the reserves; instead they will be expected to lend a hand to other areas of the club. For example, it seems profligate not to use Francis Jeffers’ pace to chase those pesky foxes away from the hallowed turf, whilst it seems a terrible waste not to use Chris Powell’s pleasant demeanour and friendly manner in a customer-facing role on the concourses.

I would also seek to introduce performance-related pay to a greater degree. Under my stewardship the days of million-pound per year salaries are over unless the players deliver. I find players generally perform better when not only hungry to win trophies, but hungry in general. Under my proprietary performance-related pay scales, I estimate the club's wage bill would have been 97% lower in 2005/06 with only Darren Bent earning above the minimum wage.

Motivation is also central to my plans for the club. Having watched Charlton on several scouting missions last season, I was surprised that Thomas Myhre’s heroic performances notably at Liverpool was not rewarded by a chance to play up front the following game. Under my leadership, goalkeepers will be permitted to interchange regularly with the strikers, often during the same game and particularly after making good saves.

I have many more progressive ideas for the team, but I will save them for my first interview. I appreciate the importance of confidentiality in the selection process and will not leak my application to the expectant media hordes currently camped outside my apartment.

Finally, I am willing to consider relocation back to the UK subject to an appropriate package though am confident in my ability to manage the team remotely, and intend initially to deliver my teamtalks via a video conference facility.

Yours sincerely, New York Addick

Referees: Alan Wiley, Graham Poll


At 6:37 PM, Anonymous jimmy fallon said...

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