Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Goal of the Season Committee

Upon learning that the club had chosen ten 'Goal of the Season' nominees, I was curious to understand the nomination process in more detail. I managed to secure the transcript of the Goal of the Season Committee meeting, and it certainly makes for interesting reading:

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OFFICIAL MINUTES
GOAL OF THE SEASON COMMITTEE
16 APRIL 2007 – THE VALLEY (PAUL BACON SUITE)


Present: R.Murray, P.Varney, M.Simons, A.Pardew, I.Dowie (by speakerphone), L.Reed (by speakerphone)

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Murray: Thanks everybody for coming; I don't expect this meeting to take very long. Peter, after you've finished pouring the tea, would you mind taking the minutes?
Varney: Not at all Mr. Murray.
Pardew: My cup is always half full as you know, Peter.
Varney: One lump or two?
Murray: Thank you. Now, as you all know we are required to nominate Charlton's ten best goals from which our wonderful fans will select their 'Goal of the Season.'
Simons: Have we scored ten goals?
Varney: Comfortably. Up to and including yesterday's Everton game, we have scored an impressive thirty goals.
Simons: So we have to select a third of them?
Varney: Well not quite.....two of them were own goals, and four were penalties.
Pardew: I must admit, I do admire a well-taken penalty.
Murray: We can't include penalties, it would make us a laughing stock.
Pardew: A bit late for that now.

(laughter all round - meeting adjourns for ten minutes)

Varney: So it's ten goals from twenty-four. Where should we begin?
Murray: How about the opening day?
Pardew: That was a penalty. I know, I was at Upton Park as you might remember.
Murray: Not for much longer. Now, when did we score our first legitimate goal then?
Varney: I believe it was at home to Bolton.
Murray: That was also a penalty.
Varney: The second one wasn't. Shall we get Iain on the phone?

(everybody nods; Murray turns white and leaves the room to be sick)

Dowie: Hey guys!
Varney: Great to hear from you Iain. I've been meaning to phone you - you've left behind a book titled, "101 Scenic Jogging Routes along Britain's motorways."
Dowie: I've been looking for that; the Coventry lads are a bit bored of running round the training pitches.
Varney: Now Iain, would you like to nominate any of the goals scored under your tutelage?
Dowie: Not really.
Varney: Not even Benty's second goal at home to Bolton?
Dowie: You must be joking; he just kind of fell over and somehow knocked it past the keeper.
Varney: We're a bit desperate to be honest Iain. Unless you have any objections, we'll make it Goal A.
Dowie: Right you are.
Varney: Do any other goals particularly stand out for you?
Dowie: That Van Persie goal for Arsenal was a real cracker.
Varney: We're trying to only include goals that Charlton scored.
Dowie: Did we score any others?
Varney: Are you kidding? You really had the lads firing on all cylinders.....five more goals in total, not including the own goal at Wigan.
Dowie: Nope, none of them stand out.
Varney: Not even that Benty header against Man City? Amongst the best-executed free headers one could ever hope to see.
Dowie: Nah, not for me.
Varney: Goal B it is then. Now how about Marcus Bent's goal at Wigan? That was the last one we scored during your reign. One for the sentimentalists amongst us.
Dowie: I'd almost forgotten about that one during the emotional turmoil that followed. That really was a good goal!
Pardew: Rejoice, rejoice give thanks and sing.
Varney: Thanks for everything Iain. See you next season.
Dowie: Cheers guys.

(Murray returns to the room)

Murray: Sorry about that guys. I came over a little queer when you mentioned Dowie's name.
Varney: Well it's time to get Les on the line....does anyone have his number to hand?

(Murray runs from the room again)

Simons: Yes it's 0800 LES-REED.
Varney: Les? It's Peter Varney, how are things?
Reed: Just great Peter....had a few weeks to recharge the batteries and now I'm back at Fulham doing the exact same job I was doing at Charlton.
Varney: We were rather hoping you'd say that. Do any of the three goals we scored during your reign particularly stand out for you?
Reed: Well, only El Karkouri's free-kick versus Blackburn but we can't really include it can we? The wall didn't do its job.
Varney: We can, and it's Goal D. Thanks for everything Les.
Simons: Cheers Les. See you next season.

(Murray returns looking a shade of Plymouth Argyle green)

Murray: Sorry chaps.
Varney: No worries Richard. Now Alan, we still need six more goals.
Pardew: And six more points.

(Murray leaves again but doesn't return)

Varney: Let's begin with that Darren Bent header against Villa.
Pardew: You mean the one where Thomas Sorensen dived over the ball?
Varney: Yes that's the one, and it's Goal E.
Pardew: You'll be asking me to include that Jimmy-Floyd goal where he accidentally hit the ball into the ground and it looped over the keeper next!?
Varney: I am. It's Goal F.
Pardew: This is a joke. We may as well include Amdy Faye's goal at Portsmouth; he hit it so softly it only just made it over the line.
Varney: We are.
Pardew: I've had enough, I'm leaving. You pick the rest.
Varney: I will. Now Martin, it looks like it's just you and me - we also need to think about the ten nominees for Player of the Year. I'll get the ball rolling with Scott Carson....your turn.
Simons: Pass the gin.


8 Comments:

At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger Confidential Rick said...

Great ..love it!

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fantastic, pure genius!!

 
At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

gr8 article as always!!!

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Wyn Grant said...

Brilliant!

 
At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anal the Anorak said...

Kiraly on loan from Palace was in goal for Baby Bent's goal against Villa.

There, I told you I was anal.

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger charlton north-downs said...

Ditto on all the above

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger Chicago Addick said...

V good mate.

 

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