Kish of Death

The eyes are puffy and bloodshot. The hair is shaven like a prisoner-of-war. And as if to taunt him, he is forced to parade before the world's media wearing the colours of his beloved club. It is clear today that the Charlton hostage crisis has moved into 'a new phase.'

The nine Charlton players are being held hostage by a myriad of lower league clubs, and were today named as Radostin Kishishev (pictured), Jonathan Fortune, Simon Walton, Lloyd Sam, Kelly Youga, Alistair John, Myles Weston, Nathan Ashton and James Walker.

Some like Kishishev are being held by failed regimes (Leeds United). Others like Simon Walton have been captured by clubs led by a despot dictator (Cardiff City). And yet despite the media furore and the demands of thousands of Charlton fans, Addicks boss Alan Pardew is accused of wanton apathy, seemingly unconcerned ultimately about their safe return.

And in a potentially unlawful act, Radostin Kishishev was today paraded before Yorkshire Television, and forced to read out the contents of an allegedly personal letter:


Dear Mrs Kish

I am writing to you from Leeds where I am being held. I will try to explain to you the best what has happened.

We were out in the Charlton training fields when Mr Pardew asked us to practice our long-range shooting. Unfortunately some of my goal attempts trespassed into the London Boroughs of Lewisham and Bromley. I wish they hadn't because then I would be home with you all right now.

I want you all to know that I am well and safe. I am being well looked after, I am fed three meals a day (except matchdays, when we just have chicken and beans), and I'm in constant supply of fluids.

The people are friendly and hospitable, very compassionate and warm. The locals are very fond of an animal called a 'whippet' (similar to a greyhound), yet they refer to their wives as 'pet.'

Please don't worry about me. I'm staying strong. Hopefully it won't be long till I'm home and with a present from the people of Leeds, perhaps a stolen car stereo or a pair of hubcaps?

All my love, Radostin.