The Will to Win

Former Addick trialist Prince William has sensationally split with horsey girlfriend Kate Middleton on the eve of the Grand National, in order to focus on his flagging football career.

It is believed that the Prince was once on the verge of being offered a contract by Alan Curbishley, but the deal fell through after a misunderstanding with the player's father caused grave offence.

"He came from a lovely family, though I was a little taken aback when his father described The Valley as a 'monstrous carbuncle'," recalled Curbs, "....I replied that it may lack some character, but it was a darn sight nicer than the Palace."

Diplomatic attempts to prove Curbs was merely referring to Selhurst Park were rejected, though current boss Alan Pardew is thought to be considering a swoop for the future King.

"I contacted Prince Charles again before the Reading game and told him that despite everything they had done for me, I couldn't care less anymore about the Royals," admitted Pardew. "Unfortunately he hung up."