To: FIRST TEAM PLAYERS (ALL)
From: ALAN PARDEW
Re: TRIP TO SPAIN
We are going on a midseason training trip to Spain, a country just outside Portugal. The local language is Spanish, although the locals will understand English if you speak very loudly. Famous Spaniards include Don Quixote and Fray Bentos.
Hotel rooms will be allocated upon arrival. Any repeat of the unfortunate incident in 2005 when players refused to share with Danny Murphy will not be tolerated.
Hotel minibars have been emptied in advance of all alcohol, fried snacks and intimacy kits. Nuts are permitted at all times, though Toblerones are limited to one per player per day. The hotel porn channel has been deactivated, though players are advised that Mishal Husain, a newsreader on BBC World is really rather attractive.
Players will be permitted to leave the hotel premises provided they remain in pairs and adhere to a strict 11pm curfew. Dalliances with local women that might lead to allegations of rape, should in the first instance be reported to Peter Varney who will negotiate with local police.
Andy Reid is forbidden from visiting the poolside 'El Snack Bar' and his photo has been distributed to hotel staff.
For Darren Bent and Scott Carson only: You will be picked up by limo and whisked to your own private check-in desk at Terminal Four at Heathrow Airport. Chaperoned through security to avoid the queues, you will be invited to relax in the VIP lounge, perhaps taking the opportunity to enjoy a spa massage. When your flight is called, you will be invited to board first thus maximising the enjoyment of your first class fully-flat bed. A limo driver will meet you after your personally-assigned porter has located your luggage.
For the rest of the squad: Ryanair to Jerez, then three-hour coach transfers. Check-in 4.30am, Stansted. One bag only.
Although the emphasis is upon hard work, there will be opportunities for relaxation. First-team players under the age of 21 are permitted to join the hotel's 'Groovy Gang' where organised activities include go-karting and a roller disco.
Matt Holland has been handed responsibility for organising the traditional team quiz. Teams will be chosen at random, although every team will have at least one player who cannot speak English. Example questions from previous years include:
Which 'Blair' is the UK Prime Minister? Tony or Lionel?
If it's 10am in London, what time is it in Coventry?
On the second night there will be a group trip to the bullring. Players are reminded not to wear their red home shirt.
"We're going down." - estamos subiendo
"Central midfield is the big problem" - el centrocampo esta el gran problema
"I'm not a sailor, I'm the captain." - yo no soy marinero, soy capitan
"Sorry love, we're not Newcastle United." - lo siento amor, no estamos Newcastle United
water - el agua
beer - el agua
wine - el agua
Specific bespoke courses have been designed in addition to the group work to which everyone is required to attend:
Day 1 AM: "It's ok to shoot" (midfielders only)
Day 1 PM: "Crossing can lead to goals" (Rommedahl, Thomas and Ambrose only)
Day 2 AM: "Hoofing it into Row Z" (El Karkouri and Bougherra only)
Day 2 PM: "Dealing with Stress through Yoga" (Carson only)