THE LAUNCH OF N.Y.A. BANK

New York Addick is pleased to announce the launch of N.Y.A. Bank, coming soon to a High Street near you.

With deposits fully guaranteed by the Bank of England, there's just no limit to the daft things we can do. Just take a look at these exciting offerings:

Instant Savings Accounts (14.3% interest): If you want your money back, our response will be instant...."b*gger off, we don't have any."

Insecure personal loans (free): designed for the borrower currently lacking in self-confidence. Go on, spend spend spend....you deserve it!

100% 'Let-to-Buy' mortgages (2.3% interest-only): find a property you can't really afford, and we'll 'let' you buy it. [NB: this low-rate special offer is not available in Wales]

Fed up with queuing in the rain to withdraw your life savings?

Every N.Y.A. branch will be have a monumental waiting room complete with tea/coffee, home-baked cookies, reading material, and seating for 200 people.

Just look at what customers are saying:

Mr G. Brown (Kircaldy): "As a Scotsman, knowing my money is safe is very important to me. That's why I'll bail out N.Y.A." (surely 'bank with'? - Ed.)

Mr M.King (London): "As an ageing banker, if I lose my job, I need to know my redundancy payout is in a safe place."

Mr A Curbishley (Essex): "Flexibility is very important to me, and that's why I bank with N.Y.A."

N.Y.A. Bank: Putting the 'you' back into 'F*ck you' since 2007

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STOP PRESS: House prices up £782 per day.