Email exchange
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: varney@cafc.co.uk
Can I speak yet? - Les
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Just make something up – I think we’ve handled it okay up until now on our own.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Hi Les – how was training today? I caught the end of the set-pieces and we look in terrific shape (were we practising our defending or attacking by the way?)
Probably best to maintain silence for now. I remember the great cricket commentator Brian Johnston used to say, “If you can’t add anything to what the viewer can see then say nothing.”
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: varney@cafc.co.uk
I’ve just watched Prozone – we actually had 57% of possession in areas 1,4 and 9 (aka the ‘key areas’).
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: varney@cafc.co.uk
He needs Prozac not Prozone.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Cc: varney@cafc.co.uk
57% eh? Only looked like 52% max. Great stuff.
Best to keep quiet for now – silence is golden as someone once said.
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
I think it was Frankie Valli
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Who, the CAFC blogger?
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
No the 60s singer. The blogger said something much nastier.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: varney@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Lads, I think the first part of Operation Blame-It-All-On-Dowie has gone pretty well don’t you think?
A couple more soundbites from Varney on Sky Sports News, and three points at ‘Boro and we might just fend off the barbarians at the gate.
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
They’re not still there are they? I’m fed up with leaving via the disabled entrance.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: varney@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
No it’s a turn of phrase.
Millsy, who’s available in the January window?
From: millsy@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk; varney@cafc.co.uk
Bit tricky to say – think my email is playing up to be honest.
I also sent an email to ‘Premiership – ALL’ informing them of the availability of some of our players and I’ve not had a single reply. You can usually rely on Shep at Newcastle for a witty reposte like, “Faye £2m? That’s a lot of money for our former cleaner.”
From: romm@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Dear Mr Murray
Further to our conversation, I just wanted to confirm I wouldn’t be willing to play for the club in the Championship.
Mr Mills, please keep me posted on potential interest from Chelsea or Barcelona.
Yours, Dennis.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Bcc: varney@cafc.co.uk
Have you tested the waters for Benty?
Mum’s the word.
From: millsy@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Arsenal have offered £500,000 up front with bonuses as follows:
£500,000 if Arsenal win the Champions League (three years running)
£250,000 if Bent wins 100 caps
£500,000 if Bent scores 35 goals in a season
£250,000 if Iran cease their uranium enrichment programme
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Marcus or Darren?
From: millsy@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Darren
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Bugger.
From: souleymayne@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Monsieur Muzza – je suis tres angry – je ne veux plus jouer pour Charlton – vous pouvez take votre club and le stick up votre backside.
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Any idea what’s up with Diawara? He’s just slammed down a transfer request.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Did he actually ‘slam’ it?
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Well suppose not, he kind of placed it on my desk. His writing wasn’t great because he still had his gloves on.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Don’t worry I’ll deal with it. You just worry about preparing for ‘Boro.
Ps – isn’t that Cory Gibbs ready yet?
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Of course. As we both know it’s all about the 5 Ps: “Proper Prozone Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performances”
Ps - Gibbsy is out for another three months.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Not another Dowie crock!? :-)
Ps - I think there’s 6 Ps.
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: dave@redwingcoaches.co.uk
Hi Dave
Yes I know we took 60 coaches to ‘Boro last time but we’ll just need the one this time around. Or maybe just one of those minivans that you see at the airport?
Peter.
Ps Valley Express looking a bit slow for the Fulham game. Will get back to you.
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Les – in the event we lose at ‘Boro, how long are you planning to lock the lads in the dressing room? The coach driver’s asking, thanks.
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: varney@cafc.co.uk
Can I speak yet? - Les
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Just make something up – I think we’ve handled it okay up until now on our own.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Hi Les – how was training today? I caught the end of the set-pieces and we look in terrific shape (were we practising our defending or attacking by the way?)
Probably best to maintain silence for now. I remember the great cricket commentator Brian Johnston used to say, “If you can’t add anything to what the viewer can see then say nothing.”
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: varney@cafc.co.uk
I’ve just watched Prozone – we actually had 57% of possession in areas 1,4 and 9 (aka the ‘key areas’).
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: varney@cafc.co.uk
He needs Prozac not Prozone.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Cc: varney@cafc.co.uk
57% eh? Only looked like 52% max. Great stuff.
Best to keep quiet for now – silence is golden as someone once said.
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
I think it was Frankie Valli
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Who, the CAFC blogger?
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
No the 60s singer. The blogger said something much nastier.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: varney@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Lads, I think the first part of Operation Blame-It-All-On-Dowie has gone pretty well don’t you think?
A couple more soundbites from Varney on Sky Sports News, and three points at ‘Boro and we might just fend off the barbarians at the gate.
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
They’re not still there are they? I’m fed up with leaving via the disabled entrance.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: varney@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
No it’s a turn of phrase.
Millsy, who’s available in the January window?
From: millsy@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk; varney@cafc.co.uk
Bit tricky to say – think my email is playing up to be honest.
I also sent an email to ‘Premiership – ALL’ informing them of the availability of some of our players and I’ve not had a single reply. You can usually rely on Shep at Newcastle for a witty reposte like, “Faye £2m? That’s a lot of money for our former cleaner.”
From: romm@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Dear Mr Murray
Further to our conversation, I just wanted to confirm I wouldn’t be willing to play for the club in the Championship.
Mr Mills, please keep me posted on potential interest from Chelsea or Barcelona.
Yours, Dennis.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Bcc: varney@cafc.co.uk
Have you tested the waters for Benty?
Mum’s the word.
From: millsy@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Arsenal have offered £500,000 up front with bonuses as follows:
£500,000 if Arsenal win the Champions League (three years running)
£250,000 if Bent wins 100 caps
£500,000 if Bent scores 35 goals in a season
£250,000 if Iran cease their uranium enrichment programme
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Marcus or Darren?
From: millsy@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Darren
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Bugger.
From: souleymayne@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Monsieur Muzza – je suis tres angry – je ne veux plus jouer pour Charlton – vous pouvez take votre club and le stick up votre backside.
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Any idea what’s up with Diawara? He’s just slammed down a transfer request.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Did he actually ‘slam’ it?
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Well suppose not, he kind of placed it on my desk. His writing wasn’t great because he still had his gloves on.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Don’t worry I’ll deal with it. You just worry about preparing for ‘Boro.
Ps – isn’t that Cory Gibbs ready yet?
From: les@cafc.co.uk
To: muzza@cafc.co.uk
Of course. As we both know it’s all about the 5 Ps: “Proper Prozone Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performances”
Ps - Gibbsy is out for another three months.
From: muzza@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Not another Dowie crock!? :-)
Ps - I think there’s 6 Ps.
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: dave@redwingcoaches.co.uk
Hi Dave
Yes I know we took 60 coaches to ‘Boro last time but we’ll just need the one this time around. Or maybe just one of those minivans that you see at the airport?
Peter.
Ps Valley Express looking a bit slow for the Fulham game. Will get back to you.
From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: les@cafc.co.uk
Les – in the event we lose at ‘Boro, how long are you planning to lock the lads in the dressing room? The coach driver’s asking, thanks.
[the above emails are a satirical potrayal and not based upon genuine emails received or sent]
posted by New York Addick @ 3:24 PM
5 comments
QUALITY - AS ALWAYS! YOU EITHER LAUGH OR YOU CRY!
Prozac anyone? or is that banned by the FA...
Very funny indeed, reckon Mills is a busy boy trying to offload all the crap they just bought, wonder what the losses on those purchases will be after only 6 months...very expensive?
Brilliant. That lie down did you good :)
OK, we've had rage, ridicule and the most heartfelt expressions of anxiety and concern. The board can absorb or ignore any amount of high emotion and cutting satire. They really don't care. Boards rarely do. Customers are always right until they're right. So what next? What do we want? How do we plan to get it? Fans can see what's wrong: dodgy head coach, inept management, feckless squad. How do we put things right? Can we put things right – or even nudge them in the right direction. Boycotts, petitions, protest marches, pickets – would they make a difference? Satisfying as it would be to read that Varney and Reid have gone, that the deadwood players have voluntarily left without compensation and that the club's coffers have mysteriously replenished themselves, it ain't gonna happen. Pardew isn't coming down Harvey Gardens with a cavalry of diehard players who will run till they drop. Not this season, any way. New York Addick has already outlined a scenario in Fire Sale. I suspect his ideas have already been adopted as the official CAFC action plan for the coming year. Come on you Reds.