Totally Frank - Exclusive Extracts
<-----Frank's sister Frankina (centre)
If you're anything like me, you won't want to wait until next Monday to get your copy of "Totally Frank - The Autobiography of Frank Lampard" (RRP: £11.95 today, or 50p in Asda by Xmas).
This threatens to be the most important literary work since Dostoyevsky's "Crime and Punishment", and is bound to be a hard-hitting portrayal of one of football's most charming players (surely 'charmless' - Ed.).
Luckily my sources have managed to secure me an early review copy which I am delighted to share extracts of here:
Hi, I'm Frank Lampard and this is my book. When the publishers thrust a few million quid in my hand last year, I thought it was my accrued goal bonuses until my agent said, "No Frank, these are the book people."
They asked me whether I wanted to choose a title for the book. I spent the whole of last summer thinking about it, and came up with "Franking Machine", "Frank-In-Sense (and Myrrh)", "Genie and the Lamp", and "Frankly, I Don't Give a Damn". They said thanks but preferred "Totally Frank".
CHAPTER 1 - GROWING UP
I was brought up in Essex. My Dad was also a footballer and called Frank; we have a lot in common. I wasn't very bright at school but was good at football. The teachers used to say, "I bet you want to grow up to be a footballer like your old man." I just laughed, and so did my teammates on the school team.
CHAPTER 2 - WEST HAM
My Dad used to play for West Ham so I joined them too. The fans used to say some nasty things about me. When I took corners they shouted, "..you're not fit to lace your Dad's shoes" which I always found strange 'cos he generally wears slip-ons.
CHAPTER 3 - MOVING TO CHELSEA
Terence Brown called me into his office in 2001 and said the Blues wanted me for £11million. I said to him, "Do you know that Elvis Costello song?" "'Oliver's Army'?" he replied, "No" I said, " 'I Don't Want To Go To Chelsea". He laughed but said I had to go in case they spotted the decimal point was in the wrong place on the fax.
CHAPTER 4 - CHELSEA
I wasn't very good to begin with but then Mr Abramovich turned up and bought Makelele and suddenly people said I was the best player in the world. This worried me 'cos I knew the World Cup was coming up in 2006.
Mr Abramovich has bought a German who might be better than me. I asked the gaffer where he saw me fitting in next season. "To be honest Frank", he said,"...I wish I had a pair of Ballacks." All the lads cracked up except me and Joe who said he didn't understand it.
CHAPTER 5 - FRANK AT HOME
Since Luna arrived, I've had to cut back on watching DVDs and playing snooker. Elen wants me to move to Spain one day but I'd rather move to a country where English is speaked. She's trying to teach me Spanish but I knew a bit already from Albert Ferrer; for example I know that 'Yoko Ono' is Spanish for 'one egg.'
I asked Elen if she would have married me if I wasn't a footballer. She just laughed and said I was late for training.