Email Server Update
It's been a tumultuous few weeks for the Addicks. The team's form has taken a nosedive, whilst off the pitch our much-loved Chief Executive has handed in his resignation.
Despite the club's best efforts to stop me (they recently changed the password from 'bartram' to 'derekhales' for example) , I once again hacked into the email server to gauge the truth about recent goings on at The Valley:
Subject: Re: Ashley
Thanks so much for your lovely email. It's certainly been a difficult few days for me.
Although I'm obviously very flattered by your offer, I'm not currently willing to consider anyone from outside the Premiership.
Subject: Disability Living Allowance
Dear Mr Gibbs
Congratulations! You are now eligible for a Disability Living Allowance of £43.15 per week.
Please call the Benefit Enquiry line on 0800 88 22 00 to make your claim.
Subject: Greetings from across the pond
Dear Senator Obama
Firstly let me begin by congratulating you on your recent results in the Democratic primaries. We have a similar system over here called the 'play-offs' (where my record is just as impressive as yours, even if I say so myself!).
I couldn't help noticing that we were born within just days of each other in 1961. However, the similarities don't end there.....we both have the looks, the inspiration, and a willingness to embrace change (for example only last Friday, I unexpectedly gave Greg Halford his debut against Crystal Palace).
All the very best
Commander in Chief, Charlton Athletic FC
Subject: Muchas gracias!
Muchas gracias for bringing your team to Spain for much-needed break! We hope you had lovely time.
Senor Halford was so funny...he really loves his sangria! I hope he feel better now.
Good luck for rest of season!
Subject: Great news
The doctors have confirmed that the serious life-threatening heart irregularity that you've had since birth has miraculously cleared up, so you're free to move to Southend United.
Good luck from all at CAFC.
Subject: Hotel complaints
Would you kindly telephone the Marriott Bexleyheath on my behalf and complain in the strongest possible terms about the service I've received so far?
I've lost count of the number of times I've asked them to change the towels twice a day, whilst the internet connection is patchy at best. I think it might be starting to affect my form.
ps - you could also mention the Corby trouser press hasn't been working since Tuesday.
I don't understand it....Chelsea are in cracking form, yet it seems the media still have it in for you.
Unfortunately as I learnt to my chagrin, they're obsessed with style not substance, so take this bit of advice from Uncle Pards....make sure your shirt is always at least a shade lighter than your jacket.
ps - fancy sending SS on loan to The Valley?
I just wanted to apologise for describing you as a "...a f*cking useless slow lanky waste of space..." in front of the other lads.
Upon reflection, you are clearly not 'useless' since your throw-ins are pretty effective.
I stand by the rest of what I said however.
See you on Monday
Subject: FW: Hotel complaints
That's it. I can't take it any longer. I'm resigning.
ps - If he wants to moan about service, tell him to have a word with our so-called midfield, not the staff at the flippin' Marriott.
Subject: Re: Osei Sankofa
Thanks for your email. I must confess I've never heard of Osei Sankofa, and thus I've no idea how he's getting on.
Is he on loan at Brentford perhaps?
Subject: FW: Re: Loans
I don't believe it....that shmuck Grant thinks I want Scott Sinclair, not Steve Sidwell.
We've spent more money on our wings than Boeing.
Subject: Re: FW: Hotel complaints
So sorry to hear that you'll be leaving. Any chance you could stay until 30 June to see out the ongoing replacement of the club carpets?
ps - I'll put it down to 'personal reasons'.
Subject: Re: Mr McLeod's operation
Thank you for your email regarding Mr McLeod. I am very sorry to hear about the seriousness of his injury; we had great hopes for him in season 2011/12. This email should serve however as authorisation to go ahead with the required operation.
Mr A. Pardew
ps - Funds are a little tight here, and between you and me, his form this season doesn't really warrant a private room.
Subject: Je ne comprends pas
Monsieur le Gaffer
After Blackpool match you say, "No disrespect to Grant Basey but we really missed Kelly Youga."
Now for Burnley match you prefer Ben Thatcher. I don't think you know what you want.
Subject: Ipswich team selection
Do you have an up-to-date squad list handy? I'm sure I've forgotten someone.
I just wanted to apologise about the misunderstanding after training.
You thought I'd asked you if 'you liked Tibet', when infact I was wondering whether you enjoyed a flutter!
Thatch, JT and some of the lads were heading to Ladbrokes for the Gold Cup, and we were wondering if you wanted to come, that's all.
No harm done, eh? I'd never heard of Tibet to be honest.
ps - Can you teach me some of those karate moves?
Subject: Re: Re: Ipswich team selection
LEE COOK! I knew there was one.
I had a thought...how about a 3-1-2-2-1-1 formation? Sounds daft, but it adds up to ten and we've not tried it yet. LOL!
Subject: May 24th
I've not received a response to several previous emails. Will you still be requiring 176 coaches going to Wembley Stadium on May 24?
We've had an identical enquiry from a Mr S. Jordan of Croydon, and do not have sufficient drivers to fulfil both bookings. Please let us know either way.
Kind regards, Redwing Coaches
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