Email Server Update

It's been a tumultuous few weeks for the Addicks. The team's form has taken a nosedive, whilst off the pitch our much-loved Chief Executive has handed in his resignation.

Despite the club's best efforts to stop me (they recently changed the password from 'bartram' to 'derekhales' for example) , I once again hacked into the email server to gauge the truth about recent goings on at The Valley:



From: cheryl.cole@hotmail.com
To: jerome.thomas@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Ashley
-------

Hi Jerome

Thanks so much for your lovely email. It's certainly been a difficult few days for me.

Although I'm obviously very flattered by your offer, I'm not currently willing to consider anyone from outside the Premiership.

Take care

Cheryl

xxx


From: benefits@direct.gov.uk
To: cory.gibbs@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Disability Living Allowance
------

Dear Mr Gibbs

Congratulations! You are now eligible for a Disability Living Allowance of £43.15 per week.

Please call the Benefit Enquiry line on 0800 88 22 00 to make your claim.


From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: barack.obama@senate.gov
Subject: Greetings from across the pond
-------

Dear Senator Obama

Firstly let me begin by congratulating you on your recent results in the Democratic primaries. We have a similar system over here called the 'play-offs' (where my record is just as impressive as yours, even if I say so myself!).

I couldn't help noticing that we were born within just days of each other in 1961. However, the similarities don't end there.....we both have the looks, the inspiration, and a willingness to embrace change (for example only last Friday, I unexpectedly gave Greg Halford his debut against Crystal Palace).

All the very best

Alan Pardew
Commander in Chief, Charlton Athletic FC


From: maria.lopez@club-med.es
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Muchas gracias!
-------

Senor Par-doo

Muchas gracias for bringing your team to Spain for much-needed break! We hope you had lovely time.

Senor Halford was so funny...he really loves his sangria! I hope he feel better now.

Good luck for rest of season!

Maria Lopez


From: reg.varney@cafc.co.uk
To: james.walker@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Great news
-------

James

The doctors have confirmed that the serious life-threatening heart irregularity that you've had since birth has miraculously cleared up, so you're free to move to Southend United.

Good luck from all at CAFC.

Peter



From: andy.gray@cafc.co.uk
To: reg.varney@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Hotel complaints
-------

Peter

Would you kindly telephone the Marriott Bexleyheath on my behalf and complain in the strongest possible terms about the service I've received so far?

I've lost count of the number of times I've asked them to change the towels twice a day, whilst the internet connection is patchy at best. I think it might be starting to affect my form.

Regards

Andy

ps - you could also mention the Corby trouser press hasn't been working since Tuesday.


From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: avram.grant@chelsea-fc.co.uk
Subject: Loans
-------

Shalom Avram!

I don't understand it....Chelsea are in cracking form, yet it seems the media still have it in for you.

Unfortunately as I learnt to my chagrin, they're obsessed with style not substance, so take this bit of advice from Uncle Pards....make sure your shirt is always at least a shade lighter than your jacket.

AP

ps - fancy sending SS on loan to The Valley?


From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: greg.halford@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Blackpool
-------

Greg

I just wanted to apologise for describing you as a "...a f*cking useless slow lanky waste of space..." in front of the other lads.

Upon reflection, you are clearly not 'useless' since your throw-ins are pretty effective.

I stand by the rest of what I said however.

See you on Monday

Pards


From: reg.varney@cafc.co.uk
To: murray@cafc.co.uk
Subject: FW: Hotel complaints
------

That's it. I can't take it any longer. I'm resigning.

Peter

ps - If he wants to moan about service, tell him to have a word with our so-called midfield, not the staff at the flippin' Marriott.


From: stuart.mccall@bradfordcity.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Osei Sankofa
------

Hi Alan

Thanks for your email. I must confess I've never heard of Osei Sankofa, and thus I've no idea how he's getting on.

Is he on loan at Brentford perhaps?

Regards, Stu


From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: murray@cafc.co.uk
Subject: FW: Re: Loans
-------

I don't believe it....that shmuck Grant thinks I want Scott Sinclair, not Steve Sidwell.

We've spent more money on our wings than Boeing.


From: murray@cafc.co.uk
To: reg.varney@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: FW: Hotel complaints
-------

Peter

So sorry to hear that you'll be leaving. Any chance you could stay until 30 June to see out the ongoing replacement of the club carpets?

Richard

ps - I'll put it down to 'personal reasons'.


From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: orthopedic@bupa-plymouth.org.uk
Subject: Re: Mr McLeod's operation
-------

Dr Roberts

Thank you for your email regarding Mr McLeod. I am very sorry to hear about the seriousness of his injury; we had great hopes for him in season 2011/12. This email should serve however as authorisation to go ahead with the required operation.

Good luck

Mr A. Pardew

ps - Funds are a little tight here, and between you and me, his form this season doesn't really warrant a private room.


From: kelly.youga@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Bcc: grant.basey@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Je ne comprends pas
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Monsieur le Gaffer

After Blackpool match you say, "No disrespect to Grant Basey but we really missed Kelly Youga."

Now for Burnley match you prefer Ben Thatcher. I don't think you know what you want.

Kelly


From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: phil.parkinson@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Ipswich team selection
--------

Do you have an up-to-date squad list handy? I'm sure I've forgotten someone.


From: jonathan.fortune@cafc.co.uk
To: zheng.zhi@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Misunderstanding
-------

ZZ

I just wanted to apologise about the misunderstanding after training.

You thought I'd asked you if 'you liked Tibet', when infact I was wondering whether you enjoyed a flutter!

Thatch, JT and some of the lads were heading to Ladbrokes for the Gold Cup, and we were wondering if you wanted to come, that's all.

No harm done, eh? I'd never heard of Tibet to be honest.

Jon

ps - Can you teach me some of those karate moves?


From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: phil.parkinson@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Ipswich team selection
-------

LEE COOK! I knew there was one.

I had a thought...how about a 3-1-2-2-1-1 formation? Sounds daft, but it adds up to ten and we've not tried it yet. LOL!


From: bookings@redwing-coaches.co.uk
To: reg.varney@cafc.co.uk
Subject: May 24th
-------

Peter

I've not received a response to several previous emails. Will you still be requiring 176 coaches going to Wembley Stadium on May 24?

We've had an identical enquiry from a Mr S. Jordan of Croydon, and do not have sufficient drivers to fulfil both bookings. Please let us know either way.

Kind regards, Redwing Coaches


From: order-update@amazon.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Your Amazon.com order 103-49829901-118928 has shipped!
-------

Dear pards@cafc.co.uk

The following item(s) were shipped today:

- 101 Great Answers to the Toughest Interview Questions, by Ron Fry

If you have questions about your order, you can visit http://amazon.co.uk/wheres-my-stuff

Thanks for shopping at Amazon.co.uk