Monday, December 04, 2006

Charlton's New Structure: THE TRUTH

Inside the Everton matchday programme, Richard Murray sought to reassure worried fans by confirming that, "There are huge pressures and enormous demands on running a Premiership club these days, and over the summer the board decided to set up a structure to allow our coaching staff to concentrate on coaching and improving our players."

The emphasis on the 'structure' piqued my interest and left me wondering, what exactly is the structure? How is it meant to work in practice? And most importantly, how can it help Charlton to secure Premiership football next season?

Once again I asked my secret mole to get to work, and he has once again come up with the goods, managing to secure a top secret copy of a document entitled quite simply, "THE STRUCTURE" which may have looked something like this:

----------------------------
CHARLTON ATHLETIC FC - THE STRUCTURE
MAY 2006
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

Terms of Reference

After six successful Premiership seasons, the Board has decided to throw out the virtues of hard work, pride and tactical nous in favour of a new deity called simply 'The Structure.'

Personnel

The club will no longer have a manager. 'Manager' is an old-fashioned position, best consigned to the UK history books along with 'helpful shop assistant', 'waiter who speaks English', and 'policeman.'

Instead, the club's affairs will be overseen by a 'Head Coach', 'Assistant Head Coach,' 'Reserve Team Manager', and 'General Manager - Football.'

The club is unable at this point to explain why the reserve team is still 'managed' but the first team is now 'coached.' However since no players ever graduate from the reserve team to the first team, it's a moot point anyway.

The 'General Manager - Football' will be one of several elite new 'General Managers' appointed by the club as follows:

General Manager - Pitch (formerly known as the groundsman)
General Manager - Attire (formerly known as the kit man)
General Managers - Pre-Match (formerly known as Floyd and Harvey)
General Manageress - Brew (formerly know as the tea lady)

Transfer Policy

Andrew Mills is responsible for transfer policy; he will gauge available players, assess their suitability, negotiate wages and manage their ongoing contractual relationships with the club. However it is acknowledged that Mills does not know the first thing about football, hence he is open to receiving information from the Head Coach.

The Head Coach may identify ‘players of interest’ within a new proprietary categorisation structure created by Mills. Each player identified must fit into one of the following six categories:

1. ABS (Available But Shit)
2. SELLABOT (Solid English Lad, Likes a Beer or Two)
3. PTFE (Probably Too F*cking Expensive)
4. AFCSE (African Fella, Can’t Speak English)
5. GPFACOAV (Great Player, F*ck All Chance of a Visa)
6. TWAT (Franny Jeffers)

In the event that players cannot be categorised appropriately, Mills has the sole responsibility for speculating upon the suitability of new players by reference to sources including, but not limited to the Koran, Mystic Meg and the Book of Mormon.

The club is not permitted to sell Kevin Lisbie for reasons strictly confidential and buried in the time capsule underneath the West Stand, scheduled for unveiling no sooner than 2076.

First Team

The Head Coach is the ultimate and final decision-maker except in areas in which the Assistant Head Coach has a valid opinion. These areas include, but are not limited to team selection, tactics, set-pieces, coaching, injury management, psychology, transfer policy and motivation. In these instances, the Assistant Head Coach is permitted to put forward his opinion, and the Head Coach is required to acknowledge that he has taken onboard that opinion.

Should the Head Coach decide upon a course of action which is counter to the opinion put forward by the Assistant Head Coach then he must draft a written memo explaining his position. However, the Assistant Head Coach is only allowed to put forward six ‘opinions’ per week. In the event that the Assistant Head Coach has reached his ‘opinion limit’ but believes a further opinion is ‘material’ to first team affairs then he must lobby the Chairman for ‘special opinion dispensation’ which may or may not be granted, except on a matchday in which case it is always granted (unless the Sky cameras are present).

Team formation is the sole responsibility of the Head Coach. The Assistant Head Coach is not permitted to offer an opinion upon team formation, though he is permitted to point out to the Head Coach that his formation adds up to more than eleven.

The Head Coach is required to select Matt Holland.

Plan In the Event of Failure

In the event that the structure fails, the Head Coach will be dismissed and replaced by the Assistant Head Coach.

Plan In the Event of Failure of the Plan in the Event of Failure

Erm...there isn't one.


THE END

3 Comments:

At 10:20 AM, Anonymous The Addickted said...

Very Funny, but worryingly accurate. We have a few AFCSE's at the moment and good point about Lisbie, why isn't he off making a name for himself somewhere in League 2?

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger Wyn Grant said...

Great stuff. Former teenage wonder Lisbie is, of course, once again injured long term and so can't ply his trade at Accrington Stanley.

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Kings Hill Addick said...

Just reading this back it would seem that with the amendment of the 'Head Coach' to 'Manager' we are at the point of "Plan In the Event of Failure of the Plan in the Event of Failure", and there genuinely doesn't seem to be one.

 

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