Bent: How the deal was done....

Now that the Darren Bent saga is over, I was keen to understand the actual mechanics of a modern day transfer, and put my best investigators onto the case. It's certainly eye-opening what they discovered (in chronological order):
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From: jol@thfc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
cc: millsy@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Bent

"Schtop! My club is not ready yet!" (for Champions League football).

My mother used to have a Dutch saying, "...koop slechts wat u zich kunt veroorloven..." I do love Holland.

£12m for Benty?
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From: administrator@cafc.co.uk
To: jol@thfc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Bent

The following recipient(s) could not be reached:

millsy@cafc.co.uk

The e-mail account does not exist at the organization this message was sent to. Check the e-mail address, or contact the recipient directly to find out the correct address.
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: jol@thfc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Bent

If you love Holland that much, you can have him for £2m! LOL

Regards, Super Al

ps - £12m wouldn't even get you Marcus Bent! :-)
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From: reg@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Transfer Policy

I've just had Marcus Bent in my office saying you've turned down a £12m bid for him from Spurs. May I politely remind you transfer decisions are made jointly with the Board.

ps - just seen a young fan (could only have been 7 or 8-years old) with '9 - VARNEY' on his new shirt.....I bet he takes the Valley Express!
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: varney@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Your email

Reg, there are some simple rules we need to agree to:

Rule No. 1: I have the final say on transfers;
Rule No. 2: Don't forget Rule No.1

Ok?

ps - any news on that French kid? You know Yassin View-to-a-Kill? He looked the business on YouTube

pps - forgot to tell you we've signed Luke Varney hence the shirt observation. Sort out the financial side will you?
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From: varney@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
cc: reg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Your email

Dear Mr Pardew

Thank you very much for your kind email. I think however that you might have intended to send it to my namesake Mr Peter Varney, the club's Chief Executive and architect of the 'free Premiership season ticket offer', which was so exciting it persuaded me to sign for Charlton.

Very much looking forward to pre-season training.

Yours sincerely

Luke Varney
(Striker)

PS - May I politely ask if Mr View-to-a-Kill is another striker? There seem to be rather many.
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: tech-support@cafc.co.uk
Subject: The 'Varneys'

When you've finished writing that algorithm that randomly selects the team for me each week (Project Rotation), any chance you could make it clearer on the email server which Varney is which? I'm so used to just typing 'Varney' and the server does the rest.

ps - love the Donald Duck tie!
pps - what's the collective term for a group of 'Varneys'? A 'subsidy of Varneys'? A 'budget of Varneys'?
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: reg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Bent fee

Sorry about the little disagreement yesterday. It's just that I'm trying to build a team for promotion, and you've still got your head in the clouds with this daft £17m valuation for Benty.

Let's get real, eh?

Cheers, Super Al

ps - did Curbs also sign his emails 'Super Al'? Must get confusing.
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From: alan.curbishley@whufc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
cc: egghead@whufc.co.uk; reg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Mr Darren Bent

OFFICIAL BID
PLAYER: D.Bent
AMOUNT: £17million (SEVENTEEN)
PAYMENT: Cash (all up front)

ps – broke my heart to see you guys relegated last season - I blame the midfield.
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: reg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: FW: Mr Darren Bent

FCUK ME! LET'S GRAB THEIR F*CKING HAND OFF!
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Bid

Benty

Hope you're having a cracking (and might I add, well-deserved) holiday. No need to stop scoring just 'cos the season's finished, eh? Get in there my son!

Just to let you know the club has received a bid from a genuinely top club which you will find VERY enticing.

Get yourself back to Blighty sharpish and get the formalities over with....you won't want to miss this one! There's a Monarch flight at 1910.

Super Al
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From: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Out of Training Ground Reply, Re: Bid

I am currently out of the training ground, returning on 1st July. I will only have occasional access to emails.

If your request is urgent, please email my assistant Kevin Lisbie at k.lisbie@cafc.co.uk

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From: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Bid

Hotel is fabulous – best service I’ve had all season!

It'd better not be West Ham’s bid….I ain't never going back for a corner again.

ps - not much joy with the birds. Marcus is staying in the same hotel.
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Sent from my Blackberry wireless handheld
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From: egghead@whufc.co.uk
To: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Arrangements for medical

A limousine will pick you up from home at 6.30am sharp. Due to the early hour, the driver will not sound his horn - please look for 'Carlos' - he will be holding a sign saying 'Media Sports Cabs.'

You will be whisked through the delightful bucolic suburbs of Newham before arriving at the Simon Webster Medical Centre, Upton Park.

Once warmed up, you will be put through a series of unique and exacting physical challenges (do not be alarmed; even Jonathan Spector came through them):

1. 100-metre dash (not against the clock, but Teddy Sheringham)
2. Pedicure and manicure
3. You've heard of "Woodstock"? This is "Livestock"! (can you hit a cow's arse with a banjo?)

The medical will then be complete and you will be invited to network over coffee and biscuits with your new exciting world-class teammates, Messrs Davenport, Neill, Quashie, BoaMorte, Blanco and Upson.

ps - Please bring along written evidence that you are not controlled by a third party. Evidence may include utility bills, bank statements, etc.. Wives, girlfriends or mothers do not count as third parties.
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From: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: FW: Arrangements for medical

You lying b*stard. I wouldn't even go there if you were manager.

If you think I've been busting my gut for the last two years to play alongside Marlon bleedin' Harewood, you've got another thing coming.

ps - What's the best way to explain my position to Reg?
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From: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
To: reg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Stadium expansion

Reg

Not sure how to break this to you but you know the plans for the East Stand extension and the eventual filling in of the South-East and South-West corners? They may have to be put 'on hold' for a while.

Benty
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From: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
To: egghead@whufc.co.uk
cc: alan.curbishley@whufc.co.uk
Subject: Apologies

Dear Mr Egghead

Thank you so much for taking the time to show me around Upton Park yesterday. It was certainly exciting to hear about your plans for Champions League dominance within three years. You are clearly a man of great taste and the minimalist style of the Trophy Room was very impressive.

However I think it is best for my career if I contemplate a move to West Ham AFTER Champions League dominance has been achieved, rather than before. By that time I will only be 26 and hopefully will still have plenty to offer at the highest echelons of the game.

Please send my apologies to Matthew Etherington.

Kind regards, Darren Bent

ps - who was that Iranian fella?
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From: reg@cafc.co.uk
To. d.bent@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Stadium expansion

Varney said: "West Ham matched our valuation and that was why they were given permission last week to speak to Darren.

"No other club has managed that and as things stand Darren will be staying with Charlton. He is our player and under contract to us."
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From: d.bent@cafc.co.uk
To: reg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Stadium expansion

Why are you speaking in the third person?

Is that the same as a ‘third party agreement’?
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From: jol@thfc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Bent

“Schtop! The deal with West Ham is not finished yet!”

I’ve schpoken with the Board and they say £15.5m, final offer.

Ps – do you want Murphy back? I think he’s bitter. LOL!
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: reg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: FW: Bent

Done deal?
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From: administrator@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Your mailbox is almost full

Your mailbox is almost full. Please reduce your mailbox size. Delete any items you don't need from your mailbox and empty your Deleted Items folder.
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From: j.thomas@cafc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: FW: This will crack you up!

GLASGOW AIRPORT SUSPECT NAMED!

Singe Majeep.He's in hospital in Paisley. He's being fed on haggis, neeps and Tatties: He's in the Burns unit...
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From: wenger@arsenal-fc.co.uk
To: pards@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Bent bid

Arsenal would like to bid £20m cash for Darren Bent
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From: administrator@cafc.co.uk
To: wenger@arsenal-fc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Bent bid

The following recipient(s) could not be reached:

pards@cafc.co.uk

The recipient’s mailbox is full.
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From: pards@cafc.co.uk
To: jol@thfc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Bent

Tottenham’s bid is accepted.