Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Big Chris Sets Precedent

Charlton striker Chris Iwelumo last night won an astonishing legal battle in the High Court against the club over his sole and exclusive right to be referred to as 'Big Chris'©.

"This is an unprecedented decision," argued a top sports lawyer, "...and it has severe implications for anyone big and also called Chris."

In a 49-page judgment, the High Court concluded that Iwelumo's legal victory was warranted by his tendency to...."...score big goals at big moments in big games." The judgment also noted, that Iwelumo was in a physical sense, "...rather big."

The sitting judge (Judge Dredd) had pored over his Charlton goalscoring statistics and noted that 5 of his 6 goals were winning goals, and that 4 had occurred during the final five minutes of matches. "His other goal was an equaliser against Sheffield Wednesday, which set up his own winning goal," Dredd continued, "...this court rules that goal to be big too."

In colourful legal language far removed from the industrial language typically heard in a football dressing room, Judge Dredd concluded, "Mr Iwelumo must prove satisfactorily that his goals were big. During these hearings, argument and evidence were directed both to general issues relevant to Iwelumo's goals, as well as specific issues relevant to the circumstances thereof. In my judgment, goals which were responsible for 15 points from a total of 25 must be considered big goals, on the balance of probabilities."

Other big people called Chris were quick to express their disappointment at the decision. Radio 1 DJ 'Overweight Chris Moyles' (formerly 'Big Chris Moyles'), ex-Fulham boss 'Lanky Chris Coleman' (formerly 'Big Chris Coleman') and 'The Boxer Formerly Known as Big Chris Eubank', were all considering legal action last night.

However it was confirmed that the judgment did not apply to big people called Christopher. Speaking through his agent, Big Christopher Biggins expressed his relief; "I'm relieved," he said.

Meanwhile, standing on the steps of the High Court, a delighted Mrs Iwelumo hugged her husband as journalists asked what big aspect of her husband she most admired, "He's got a big heart," she chuckled.


LEGAL DISCLAIMER: © 2007 Big Chris and the Big Chris logo are trademarks or registered trademarks of Chris Iwelumo in the U.K. and/or other countries, and may not be used, in whole or in part, without the prior written consent of Chris Iwelumo. The name, likeness and other attributes of Chris Iwelumo are trademarks, copyrighted designs and/or other forms of intellectual property that are the exclusive property of Chris Iwelumo and may not be used, in whole or in part, without the prior written consent of (Big) Chris Iwelumo.


At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Something tells me Roary the Racing Car may have something to say about that!

At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is he entitled to take over the El Kak song yet?

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pardew Out

At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Toronto Addick said...

Bloody brilliant. I especially loved the last paragraph!

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