Email Server Update
With the games coming thick and fast, and with the January transfer window having been open now for three weeks, I was keen once again to get an understanding of what's really going on behind-the-scenes at Charlton. Thus I hacked back into the club's email server, and here's what I found:
Subject: My trousers
This isn't funny. Who's moved my trousers?
I'm supposed to be doing some shopping for my Grandma on the way home from training.
Sent from my Blackberry wireless handheld
Just to confirm your appointment for this Thursday at 3pm.
Regards, Julian (Colorist)
ps - How did you get on with the 'Silver Fox' tint I applied last time? Did you prefer it to 'White Shark'?
Re: Temporary account reopening
Please temporarily reopen my credit account (A/C No.: 2981AR) which has been suspended since August 2007.
Kind regards, Andy Reid
Subject: New role
How does 'Official Club President and Roving Ambassador' sound? Has a certain ring to it doesn't it?
Subject: Re: Thursday
All set for Thursday.
To be honest, I think I'll go back to 'White Shark', just to be on the safe side. We're on the telly against Watford in a few weeks time, and to be honest the cameras don't do 'Silver Fox' justice.
ps - keep an eye out for the highlights! :-)
pps - don't suppose you've got 'Andy Gray' have you? LOL!
Re: French lessons
Bonjour mes amis!
As Monsieur Pardew has told you, I will be providing French lessons to improve defensive communication. Ooh la la!
Time: Wednesdays, 11.30am
Place: Steve Brown Utility Room, Sparrows Lane.
Subject: Red card appeal
I would like to appeal against the red card awarded to me by referee Tony Bates during the home game against Hull City.
In the 72nd minute, I loudly asked the referee if he had a problem with awarding me free-kicks, ending my tirade by asking "I BET YOU DO MISTER BATES!"
Unfortunately, due to the crowd noise, he thought I'd suggested he perhaps indulged in self-stimulation, and promptly issued a red card.
Like any good professional, had I intended to make this suggestion, I would simply have called him a w*nker, which generally warrants no more than a ticking-off in the modern game.
I trust my appeal will receive a fair hearing.
Yours faithfully, Daniel Mills
Subject: FW: French lessons
How do you say 'fancy a shag' in French?
Subject: Leicester game
Dear Mr Pardew
With the memory of my last-minute overhead equaliser and all-round outstanding defensive performance still fresh in the memory, were there any aspects of my play that didn't meet your high and demanding standards?
Subject: CONFIDENTIAL PROPOSAL - PLEASE TREAT AS URGENT
FROM THE DESK OF MR LOBO GIDADO
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER
BANK OF BURKINA FASO
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
I AM MR LOBO GIDADO, BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER AT THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF THE BANK OF BURKINA FASO. I GOT YOUR CONTACT WHILST SEARCHING FOR GOOD AND HONEST PERSON WHO WILL ASSIST ME TO IMPLEMENT THE TRANSFER OF THE SUM OF EIGHT MILLION AND FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS (GBP 8,500,000) BELONGING TO A DECEASED CUSTOMER OF THIS BANK. THE FUND HAS BEEN LYING DORMANT SINCE THE ACCOUNT OWNER (MR JOHN KOROVO) WAS INVOLVED IN A FATAL AIR CRASH IN CHAD.
THE FUND IS NOW READY FOR TRANSFER TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT WHOSE OWNER WILL BE PORTRAYED AS THE BENEFICIARY AND NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED CUSTOMER OF THE BANK. I HAVE AGREED THAT 40% OF THIS FUND WILL BE FOR YOU AS THE BENEFICIARY, IF THE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT FROM THE BANK OF BURKINA FASO.
I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.
MR LOBO GIDADO
Dear Monsieur Pardew
Just to let you know that unfortunately, only Monsieur Moutaouakil turned up for my first French lesson yesterday.
However please rest assured that he is making excellent progress, and will be fluent in no time.
ps - Monsieur Fortune seems very friendly.
Subject: Re: CONFIDENTIAL PROPOSAL - PLEASE TREAT AS URGENT
Lloyds TSB, Bexleyheath
Sort Code: 23-41-98
Subject: Search results
Dear Mr Semedo
Unfortunately your search for attractive Portuguese-speaking women aged 18-25 in the Bromley area found no matches.
If you want to find your dream date, try broadening your search. There are currently 198,282 women online and looking for love.
Subject: Colchester post-mortem
During our prematch team meeting, when I said that anyone who didn't like playing in my 4-5-1 formation with Big Chris upfront could "go ahead and lump it", I didn't mean it quite so literally. Some of our football was atrocious.
Subject: Directions to The Valley
Kelly, please see link:
See you Saturday, 1.15pm. Welcome home.
Subject: Re: Property search
Dear Mr Gray
I greatly resent the unwarranted tone of your previous email. You may well be able to buy a six-bedroom house on nine acres in Burnley for less than £500,000, but unfortunately this is London.
Do let me know if you want to view the 3-bedroom flat (requiring modernisation) overlooking the Blackwall Tunnel approach. The vendor (Mr McLeod) is keen for a quick sale.
Subject: Kelly Youga
What can I say? The lad's undergone a remarkable transformation.
You really must send me the log of the training sessions Kelly is raving about, particularly the ones titled, "Solid Defending," "Passing to a Teammate" and "Getting Forward Where Possible." It really is revolutionary stuff; no wonder Scunthorpe have made such progress under your tutelage.
Good luck for the rest of the season (except 2nd Feb of course!)
ps - do you fancy Lloyd Sam for a month?
My name Jose. Me play soccer for good team called Charlton. Me sorry but my English not good but me like your photo.
Me play in midfield central and team best player for 20 games, but Sr. Pardew think Sr. Holland best. But it give me more time to see you perhaps?
Me lonely in Londres - I like to be holding midfield player, but me rather be holding someone like you at night.
My photo is here - I hope you like.
Subject: James Walker, £200k to Southend?
What the hell's going on? I've just seen James Walker driving into the training ground.
Subject: Re: Re: Bid for Andy Gray
Owen, there's a slight problem with the bid.
When I wrote £1,500,000, I really meant to write £1,300,000. It seems there's a problem with my keyboard - whenever I type '3', it comes out as a '5' (IT are looking into it).
ps - thought you were lucky to beat us 5-1 at The Valley!
Subject: Re: Hello!
OMG, u r well fit m8. How much £ do u earn?
Subject: FW: Re: Hello!
Maybe you help me? Me not understand her email.
Subject: EMERGENCY LOAN!
EVERYONE STAY CALM, BUT WE NEED TO ARRANGE AN EMERGENCY LOAN.
DO NOT USE THE LIFTS.
您是否看了那次應急降落？ (Flight BA038) 我不會飛行這些躲躲閃閃的航空公司像英國航 (Beijing).
Subject: FW: FW: Re: Re: Hello!
Why the hell is Jose 'the crab' Semedo on £14,000 per week? You said I was the 2nd highest earner after Reidy.
Subject: Target retirement date
Dear Mr Powell
Unfortunately due to recent severe falls in the stock market, your target retirement age is now 43.
Subject: Get well soon
I just wanted to send you a quick note to say "Get Well Soon" on behalf of all of us at Charlton Athletic.
Make sure you get plenty of rest, and under no circumstances watch TV replays of the incident. It really was a nasty fall, and seeing it again may have some negative psychological implications for you the next time you play. Just focus on getting better and move on with your life.
All the very best
Subject: FW: FW: FW: Re: Re: Hello!
Conserve some of your energy, son - I might need you later in the season!