Saturday, April 07, 2007

Police Brutality: Fans Demand Answers

Manchester: Representatives of Manchester United were last night demanding answers from Italian police, following evidence that some of their finest hooligans are injured and potentially unavailable for pre-organised fights prior to the second leg.

"It's disgraceful," fumed a United spokesman, "...their nicknames may be Psycho and Nightmare, but they are genuine family men who were merely exercising their basic human right to drink fifteen pints, urinate in the town square, verbally abuse the locals and sing celebratory songs about the War. They're now both carrying slight knocks, and are very doubtful for Tuesday night."

Officials were adamant their fans were innocent, drawing upon sober and impartial eye witnesses who had travelled on club packages from Billericay and Hastings. "Although no-one actually saw the alleged Police brutality," he argued, "...they have all confirmed that they singled out women, children, the elderly and amputees for particularly violent treatment."

"Anyone who has observed the English on holiday will know their behaviour is utterly inoffensive, and thoroughly respectful of local customs. It's just another reason why we should withdraw from the EU with immediate effect."

STOP PRESS: United's allocation at The Valley reduced to 43 tickets.


At 8:11 AM, Blogger Wyn Grant said...

I used to live in Billericay. In those days (Jimmy Greaves, famous double winners) everyone round there was Spurs.

At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Billericaydickie said...

I live in Billericay and a lot of my friends are football supporters. Four people that I know are Charlton season ticket holders, the rest support various other London clubs, plus Wolves, Newcastle and Southampton. Nobody that I know supports Manchester United, Furthermore with the exception of children I have never once seen an adult wearing a Manchester United shirt around the town.

At 2:26 PM, Blogger Confidential Rick said...

I'm from the Hastings side of Billericay with 10 replica ManU tops. I luv Man U me..

At 12:46 AM, Blogger Ken Jennings said...

Notwithsatnding the alleged sexual assault on one of the female Valley staff, by a member of the standing committee,I can only echo my disgust at the way the erstwhile ambassadors of fair play and decency are treated in foreign climes.

On a recent rip to Europe, I happened to take my old Dad to visit Lille. Imagine our surprise and delight when we discovered, later in the afternoon, that Manchester United were in town to play that evening.

Our first clue was the occupation of the NE quadrant of the old city square, by hundreds of happy-go lucky, souls decked in the 'colours'. Some of them were cheerfully throwing their beers through open windows of passing vehicles, over heads of local bystanders, spitting at anyone who dared walk past and the best of all, manhandling the waiters at the Bar they had 'occupied' (as in Poland 1939).

The yelling and the swearing, sounds of broken glass as the tribe moved on towards the stadium was a joy to behold. We felt so unlucky, having to catch the train home when we might have got dodgy tickets to the game and had a good old sing song with the local constabulary.

Oh why are they treated so badly ?


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