Varney insists: Valley Express goes on

As the threat of severe flooding receded across Essex and Kent, Charlton chief executive Peter Varney whipped locals into a frenzy as he declared, "Valley Express continues as normal."

"It was important to be here," said an emotional Varney,"...if serious flooding had occurred, I wanted affected residents to know Championship football was still available for five pounds return."

It is believed meanwhile that Varney had arranged for a flotilla of boats (including a decommissioned Woolwich Ferry), to be put on stand-by. "It doesn't say anywhere that Valley Express has to be a bus," insisted Varney.

The Environmental Agency had been distributing leaflets to residents in at-risk areas, warning them of the imminent danger in a language they could understand: THE FLOOD WATERS COULD REACH CHRIS IWELUMO'S SHOULDERS. The mass panic that ensued was only calmed when the risk was subsequently downgraded to: ANDY REID.