Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Chris Powell - Used Car Dealer

The need to buy a new family motor to accommodate three kids has forced me to endure some editions of What Car? magazine.

Sadly the reality has dawned that a man cannot both transport his offspring in comfort and maintain any semblance of cool.

To draw my focus away from this depressing state of affairs, I began to ask myself, "If Charlton players were cars, which ones would they be?"

In other words, if Chris Powell was a used car dealer, what would he have on his forecourt?:

Ben Hamer = Toyota Prius: efficient and green; unconvincing handling

Rhoys Wiggins = Ford Mustang: left-hand drive beauty; not so comfortable on the other side of the road

Chris Solly = Lotus Elise: much-admired homegrown pocket rocket; too small for some

Michael Morrison = Volvo XC90: not the prettiest, but a big reliable beast with an emphasis on safety

Matt Taylor = Seat Alhambra: unflashy, big and highly functional; does the job effectively without drawing attention

Danny Hollands = Kia Sedona: slow but dependable vehicle (with room for three baby seats)

Gary Doherty = Fiat Multipla: painfully awkward mover with prominent nose; will do a job reliably when asked but best kept in garage

Dale Stephens = Nissan Qashqai: slightly unsure what it is trying to be, but classier looking than rivals; made in the North

Andy Hughes = Ford Kuga: SUV/family car crossover, and not convincing as either; better alternatives exist in each category

Danny Green = Ford Galaxy: rather ugly but useful mover that can put plenty across; close links to Dagenham

Scott Wagstaff = Alfa Romeo Brera: fast but looks better than it really is; not guaranteed to start

Bradley Pritchard = Jaguar XF: educated buyer's choice but lacking in several key areas; likely poor resale value

Jason Euell = Rover 45: mediocre performer forced into bankruptcy; rarely seen these days

Johnnie Jackson = Volkswagen Golf: ever popular award-winning car but possibly overrated; basic engines lack acceleration

Mikel Alonso = Maybach 57: reported to be very classy but hardly ever spotted; lives in shadow of more famous model from same manufacturer

Yann Kermogant = Renault Espace: big French brute with elevated driving position; much loved by owners, hated by everyone else

Bradley Wright-Philips = Mini Cooper: small and nippy front-wheel drive; famous pedigree

Danny Haynes = Renault Twingo Renaultsport: small and very pacy; not popular with some buyers so negotiate hard for a discount

Leon Clarke = Volkswagen Polo: uninspiring, slow and often used as loaned courtesy car

Paul Hayes = Seat Ibiza: almost identical to Volkswagen Polo but much more elegant; manager discounts available

Paul Benson = Honda Civic: unusual looking but surprisingly capable; finished off in Swindon


At 4:05 PM, Blogger ChicagoAddick said...

Fiat Multipla = Doc. Genius.

At 6:03 PM, Blogger Dave said...

NYA - very clever, as always. I am not fooled - you know far too much about cars that can't be gleaned from What Car!

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous SLC Addick said...

Volvo XC90 - brakes need replacing every six months. Powertrain failure at 60,000 miles. (I hope it's not an omen or maybe it's just the way my wife drives!)


Post a Comment

<< Home