Emails Update

(This post is a parody - any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.)

As regular readers of this blog will know, when the club is in crisis I like to use my stealth IT skills to hack into the club's emails to get a sense as to what is going on behind the scenes.

Unsurprisingly a picture of a dysfunctional club emerged - the story begins towards the end of last season:

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: marketing@cafc.co.uk
Subject: WTF!

I KNOW I SPEAK ENGLISH WITH AN ACCENT, BUT I SAID "SAX ON THE PITCH" YOU UTTER MORONS......

'SAX' AS IN LIVE JAZZ BEFORE THE BOURNEMOUTH GAME!

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From: roland@staprix.be
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: 2015/16 Budget

My dear Katrien

The budget generally looks fine - however I was shocked to see that the expenditure for names on first team  shirts has increased by 20%.

I presume this is mainly due to the imminent emergence of future Premiership starlets Ahearne-Grant, Charles-Cook and Holmes-Dennis.

Can we work within the agreed budget please?

Best

Roly

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: guy.luzon@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Summer transfer targets

Shalom Guy!

Excuse my ignorance but what is a 'big lump up front'?

I thought that was the statue of Sam Bertrand outside the West Stand.

K

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: joe.gomez@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Liverpool offer

Hey Joe!

We all accept your decision and wish you well.  The chance to spend several seasons working under Brendan Rodgers must be hard to resist.

Moreover although we believe our £15,000 per week offer was competitive, we understand your desire to move to Liverpool and get on the housing ladder.

You will always be welcome back at any time.

Regards

K

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From: phil.chapple@cafc.co.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: FW: 2015/16 Budget

There's a lad at Sunderland called Ba.

Enthusiastic but not exactly the quickest.

Sorry it's the best I can do....

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From: roland@staprix.be
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Re: FW: DFS Summer Sale - up to 75% off!

My dear Katrien

You are hereby authorised to purchase the cream Italian leather sofa from the Azzurri range.

I agree the reception area needs freshening up and I do love a European bargain!

Best

Roly

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From: bexleyheath@marriott.co.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Booking

Dear Ms Meire

That will be absolutely fine - we look forward to welcoming Mr. Bauer to the hotel.

We are pleased once again to offer a 30% discount for stays of over 16 weeks - however I'm sorry to confirm that Mr Lepoint's stay did not qualify.

Kind regards

Katarina Kasak
Reservations

Ps - with regard to your catering question, we regret to inform Mr Bauer that the breakfast sausages are actually from Lincolnshire.

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From: karel-mourinho@hotmail.be
To: phil.chapple@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Naby Sarr

Tall, commanding, cultured, confident....

From what I hear, he's everything you were as a centre half.  LOL!

Karel

Ps - any thoughts on those Bergdich videos?  He's 'top drawer' as Henry Redknapp would say (one of my all-time managerial heroes).

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: guy.luzon@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Summer transfer targets

Ah I see!  Wires crossed again...

We entered your parameters into our proprietary network transfer database (BRAVO) and it has highlighted Mr Simon Makienok who is currently playing at Palermo.

Consider him signed....

K

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: johann.bg@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Contract offer

Such wonderful news JBG! We are pleased that you see Charlton as the springboard to meet your ambitious career goals.

Ps - no I'm sorry I don't know - what did Iceland used to be called?

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From: marketing@cafc.co.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Kids for a Quid spin off customer promotions?

OAPs for 1p?
People Called Rob for Only Ten Bob?

We're struggling to be honest - can we move away from gimmicks and build a coordinated ticketing strategy?

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: daniel.levy@spurs.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Christian Ceballos

Hi Daniel

Totally free? You mean you don't want to negotiate at all?!

Regards

K

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From: johann.bg@cafc.co.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Contract offer

Bejam

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From: julian@sidcup-counselling.co.uk
To: nick.pope@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Low shots

Nick

Just a quick note to see if you are feeling ok after yesterday's session?

There was no need to feel embarrassed about the emotional outpouring - I've been doing this job for thirty years and there's no patient situation I'm not prepared for.

Keep working on those mental imagery exercises - really try to feel the ball sticking in your hands.

Kind regards

Julian

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: steve@greenwich-disco.com
Subject: Re: Re: Pre-game lounge music

Smooth soul and R&B is a bit too clichéd.

Do you perhaps have any hard heavy underground Belgian speed techno?

K

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: tony.watt@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Official warning

Tony

The club embraces and values your eccentric behaviour up to a point.

However we have had several complaints from parents that you advised some of the Academy U9 boys that Tennent's Super was a rehydrating energy drink.

As a result we must issue you with an official warning.

Regards

K

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From: julian@sidcup-counselling.co.uk
To: nick.pope@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Hull setback

Nick

So sorry to hear what happened - I was watching Goals Express on Sky Sports News and really felt your pain, but at least the team got the late winner.

Please trust me that together we'll get through this - for example feel free to speak to Chris Solly whom I guided through an imaginary knee injury.

Kind regards

Julian

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From: dr.ashwin.patel@bupa.co.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Johnnie Jackson

Dear Katrien

Thank you for your enquiry.

I'm afraid there is no such medical condition known as 'legs are gone'.  Over time muscle fibres and joint mobility will begin to exhibit gradual signs of degradation, especially in elite athletes.

In short, there is no operation which will treat this naturally occurring condition.

Kind regards

Dr Ashwin Patel
Consultant

Ps - the nurses here have become rather fond of Mr Vetokele!

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: guy.luzon@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: We need more players!

Shalom Guy!

Before breaking the budget Roland agreed to, are you sure we've tried out everyone?

For example there's a work experience kid called Ademola who can volley an empty Coke can into a bin from 25 yards.

K

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From: rabbi.cohen@catford-synagogue.co.uk
To: guy.luzon@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Can you help?

Dear Guy

I hope you and your family are well and let me wish you a hearty Mazel Tov on the occasion of the battling home draw versus Fulham.

With regard to your request for spiritual assistance, I will indeed ask members of the community to spare some prayers for the Addicks at this difficult time,

Best.

Rabbi Cohen

Ps - just a personal view (not from the Almighty), but have you tried going 4-5-1 with Gudmonsson in the hole?

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From: madame.diarra@yahoo.fr
To: alou.diarra@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Je veux rentrer a France

L'equipe Charlton est merde.

Il pleut toujours ici.

Nous avons beaucoup d'argent - on pourrait etre en St Tropez mais nous sommes en Orpington.

Ps - Je ne comprends pas le football mais comment est-ce que Morgan Fox est footballeur professionnel?
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From: karel-mourinho@hotmail.bl
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Confidential approach

Katrien

I'm honoured that you would 'tap me up' with regard to the potential managerial vacancy at the club - of course I would consider moving up from my current role as Senior Vice President of the Continental Network of Unified Transfer Strategists (CNUTS).

With regard to your question on realistic goals, I think automatic promotion is a long shot at this point but play-offs are well within reach - suffice to say I would be honoured to lead this team out at Wembley.

Kind regards

Karel

Ps - not sure what you meant by providing contact details for some referees?  I once shook hands with Howard Webb but I can't claim to have his phone number.

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From: mikhail.kennedy@cafc.co.uk
To: guy.luzon@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Playing time

Obviously I'm not looking for cast iron guarantees but I just want to know if I can tell my mates and girlfriend whether I'm a professional footballer or not.

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: guy.luzon@cafc.co.uk
Subject: YOU'RE FIRED!

Sorry it didn't work out - your P45 is at reception.

Sweet dreams.

K.

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: roberto.martinez@evertonfc.co.uk
Subject: Conor McAleny

Hola Roberto!

When you said "on the cusp of the first team", can you confirm exactly what you meant by cusp?

Kind regards

K

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: roland@staprix.be
Subject: Birmingham - yet another great win!

Hi Roly

As we had both hoped and expected, Karel is proving to be a veritable managerial phenomenon - two wins on the spin including back-to-back goals for JJ (his legs may have gone but at least his head hasn't!).

Let's just wait for one more triumph before blitzing the media with news of his permanent appointment.

K

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: tony.watt@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Cardiff loan

Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Straight down the M4.

(JJ's joke not mine...)

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: roland@staprix.be
Subject: Re: Brighton away

"Shut up shop?". It's simply not in his DNA.....

I've read many books about enigmatic geniuses and it rarely pays to tame their wild spirit.

K.

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From: dr.ashwin.patel@bupa.co.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Rhys Williams

Dear Katrien

Good to hear from you again - so pleased to hear the new NHS call centre is operating well.

Yes of course I know Rhys Williams; indeed he has a wing of the hospital named after him.

Sadly he'll never play professional football again but I believe he has the charisma and intelligence to carve out a bright career in coaching or management.

Dr. Ashwin Patel
Consultant

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: nigel.pearson7@btinternet.com; malkay.mckay@hotmail.com; garrymonk10@gmail.com
Subject: Applications

Thank you for your job applications.

Unfortunately we regret to inform you that we will not be pursuing them further as the position has already been filled after a lengthy search process.

We wish you the very best of luck in your future careers in top level football management.

Katrien Meire
CEO

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From: nurse.mary.oreilly@lewishamandgreenwich.nhs.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Xmas hospital visit

Hi Katrien

I'm aware the players hospital visit is an annual tradition, but given recent form on the pitch it may not have the desired impact - some of the patients are really very poorly.

Perhaps they could drop in to a local old folks home?

Kind regards

Nurse O'Reilly
Intensive Care Unit

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From: karel@cafc.co.uk
To: IT.help@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Email lists

Hi

Can you please merge the 'MIDFIELDERS@cafc.co.uk' mailing list into the existing list called 'FORWARDS@cafc.co.uk'?

Thanks

Karel

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From: scouting@cafc.co.uk
To: karel@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Colchester United - Scouting report

Hi Karel

Given limited departmental resources, a short form scouting report follows:

They're in League One.
They play in blue and white stripes, especially at home.
Their ground is on the outskirts of the town.
They're quite physical.
They'll pass it on the ground briefly and then hit it long.
They've a tricky black winger who creates and scores goals (but we understand he may not be available).
Their manager is keen.
Erm...
That's it.

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From: katrien@cafc.co.uk
To: johnnie.jackson@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Huddersfield refunds

JJ

Lovely gesture but have you thought this through?  There were 2,000 at Watford last season and our lawyers believe they may be entitled to a retroactive claim.

Regards

K

Ps - LOL re: refunds for Hull away but I'm sure it won't come to that ;-)

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From: karel@cafc.co.uk
To: katrien@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Out of Office Reply - Re: Ground Control to Major Karel

I'm currently out of the office and not responding to media enquiries until further notice.

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From: chris.parkes@cafc.co.uk
To: reza@cafc.co,uk
Subject: Re: Sanctions

Unfortunately the imminent lifting of Iranian sanctions does not apply to your one game suspension.

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From: johnnie.jackson@cafc.co.uk
To: stephen.henderson@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Huddersfield whip round

Everyone is in for £200 except Kashi and Diarra who claim no responsibility.

Meanwhile I can't get hold of Ahearne-Grant at all - according to Katrien he's just gone on loan to Cambridge University.

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From: roland@staprix.be
To: jose.riga@gmail.com
Subject: Coffee?

This message has no content.

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From: jose.riga@cafc.co.uk
To: FIRST-TEAM@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Hello again!

With only 24 hours before the Hull game, I thought I'd just send a quick note saying how much I believe in you all.

However for now I've selected an eleven just to keep things nice and tight - we'll take a 0-0 and start properly versus Blackburn.

Jose

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From: julian@sidcup-counselling.co.uk
To: stephen.henderson@cafc.co.uk
Subject: Reaching out

Hi Stephen

Nick Pope gave me your details.

Please give me a call at your earliest convenience.

Kind regards

Julian Edwards
Counsellor

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THE END