From bank hassle to Hasselbaink?

When I first arrived in the US, I was presented with an interesting dilemma: I needed an address to open a bank account, but I needed a bank account to get an address (because otherwise the landlord wouldn't sign the lease). Anyone who believes in vacuous catchphrases like "The World Is Flat" ought to try persuading a global bank that you really really want to pay them a fortune in charges and interest if only they'd let you (and this in one of the most multinational cities in the world).

And then once you've persuaded them to let you deposit your salary in their bank so they can lend out multiples of it at attractive rates of interest, you'd be amazed at how hard it is to insist that if only they'd let you have some credit you'd be only too delighted to pay them it back in spades. It reminds me of one of my favourite scenes in Fawlty Towers involving Lord Melbury (just substitute '23.4% APR' for 'hundred and sixty' and you'll get my drift):

Melbury: I was wondering... can you cash me a small cheque? I'm playing golf this afternoon.
Basil: Oh, delighted!
Melbury: And I'd rather not go into the town...
Basil: Absolutely... I mean, er, how much? ...er, if it's not a rude question.
Melbury: Er well... er... could you manage... fif... Oh! ...a hundred?
Basil: A... h... hundred? Oh absolutely...Oh yes, I mean, will a hundred be enough? ...I mean a hundred and fifty... two... two... er, a hundred and sixty?
Melbury: ...Let's see, that's, er, dinner tonight... few tips... oh, and it's the weekend, isn't it... is two hundred all right?
Basil: Oh! Oh! Please! Yes! Oh, ha, ha! - oh, tremendous! Oh... I'm so happy! I'll send someone to the town straightaway and have it for you when you get back.
Melbury: Yes, well, that would be splendid.
Basil: Thank you, thank you, your lordship.
Melbury: Thank you so much.
Basil: Oh, not at all, my privilege...What breeding... sheer... ooh!

So it was with some welcome relief that I learnt that I could soon be substituting frustration with bank hassle for excitement from Hasselbaink. As the Kinks might once have said, "It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world."

There seem to be two very important factors that have surely persuaded the club to have allegedly offered him a one-year deal. Firstly he's pretty damned good and with a game based more around strength than raw pace, he'll still have plenty to offer at 34. Second he has one of those tuneful names that I found myself humming long before anything has been signed and sealed. In short, if the Village People didn't write 'Go West' with him in mind, they surely should have done - I just hope Jimmy doesn't take offence that in South-East London, the 'H' will be a soft one.

Finally, the new home shirt was released today and a large one will be heading across the Atlantic as we speak. After last season's priestly tribute to Richard Rufus, the new shirt has a far classier and modern look about it. Indeed the more eagle-eyed fans will have spotted a possible resemblance to the kit we wore (pictured) during our full season at Upton Park in 1991/92. We were expected to struggle that year but finished 7th - positive omens perhaps?

Roll on August 19th.