The U.N. (Unnecessary Nuisance)

(not Charlton related)

<< "You mean I have to go to New York again?"

The streets of New York are clogged, tempers are frayed....it can only mean one of two things....it's either raining or the President of the United States is in town.

During the understandable euphoria that followed the end of World War Two, someone in their infinite wisdom decided to put the United Nations bang in the middle of Manhattan and nobody bothered to stop them. And whilst some of the lesser-known delegates can make the most of all that New York nightlife has to offer (and believe me, I mean all), poor old George W is cooped up at the Waldorf-Astoria like a high-security inmate. I'd love to think they were protecting him from terrorists but I'm increasingly convinced they're more concerned about normal New Yorkers getting their hands on him.

Despite its extraordinary wealth and its well-earned image as the 'capital of capitalism', just 17% of Manhattan voters opted for Bush at the 2004 election. Despite the fact that his awkward public persona did not go down universally well in this image-conscious city, the hapless John Kerry persuaded fully 82% of Manhattan that their future ought to lay in his hands. When ill-informed foreign protestors accuse Bush of being a only caring about the rich, they ought to remember his core support comes from the very poorest states in the nation.

Manhattan is the smallest of New York's five boroughs, and contains 25,849 people per square km with all of the commensurate congestion. Once you include tourists, the density increases even more and it's them I really feel for. Fancy a hotel room at short notice tomorrow night? Why not visit Hotels.com and choose the luxurious 3-star Moderne Hotel for an extremely competitive $1,369? I'm assured that the, "Bathrooms decked in green or beige marble provide premium international toiletries."

Surely cities like Melbourne (1,791 people per sq km), Seattle (2,626) or Stockholm (4,073) with their world-renowned quality of life would have been better suited to a convention of diplomats from 192 member states? Instead the New York Police Department (NYPD) and the Secret Service, as if they didn't have enough on their hands, need to work out how on earth they can get delegates safely from their hotels to the UN and back again. You can probably imagine the two-way radio communication:

Secret Serviceman: "Dispatcher, we need a limo outside the Four Seasons. The Israelis are ready to head to the UN."

Limo Dispatcher: "Oooh, it'll be at least 45 minutes, I've just sent the last one to the Best Western to pick up the Andorran delegation."

SS: "Andorra? Never heard of them. Couldn't they have taken the subway?"

LD: "Or could the Israelis share? I've a minivan that's just left the Ritz-Carlton."

SS: "Great, who's in it?"

LD: "President Mahmoud Abbas of Palestine."

SS: "Oh marvellous, non-stop hectoring about the West Bank and Gaza Strip"

LD: "It was never a penalty."

SS: "Jeez, I said the Gaza Strip not Gazza's Trip."