An Open Letter to All Citizens

AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE GOVERNMENT

Dear Fellow Citizen

As you may have heard, some rather important and confidential information pertaining to the entire UK population has gone missing.

It appears that the envelope containing the vital disks weighed more than 100g, and thus required postage in excess of 32 pence.

In light of the amounts owed to the government by Northern Rock, I refused to authorise an additional stamp. Hindsight suggests this may have been a mistake.

In would like to reassure you that the information contained on the disks was limited only to:

• Full name and address
• Names of children and pets (excl. exotic pets)
• Holiday plans, and where you hide valuables
• Favourite film
• No. of sexual partners
• Famous person you'd most like to meet (and why)

I would like to stress that there is absolutely no evidence that the information is currently in the hands of an Eastern European gang. I should also stress that there is absolutely no evidence that it isn't.

In the meantime, in order to rebuild our database, it is absolutely vital that all citizens immediately count their children.

If you have fewer children than you thought, please contact the National Missing Persons Helpline. If you have more children than you thought, you may be eligible for additional benefits.

I share the anger and concern of all citizens, and would like to reassure them that everything is being done to ensure house prices continue rising (surely 'the information is recaptured immediately'? - Ed).

Yours faithfully

A. Darling

ps - should you wish to leave the country, you are politely reminded that you are permitted just one piece of hand luggage.

pps - does anyone else think I look like Alan Pardew?