Anthony Stokes the Fire

Teenage scoring sensation Anthony Stokes rocked the football world yesterday when he opted to sign for pub side The Coach and Horses, Sunderland rather than Premiership side Charlton Athletic. The fee was undisclosed but is thought to comprise two barrels of Old Speckled Hen, 48 packets of pork scratchings and a dartboard.

Speaking exclusively to Sky Sports News, Stokes explained his decision, "Charlton are a smashing club and this was a difficult decision. Peter Varney was terrific and did everything he could to persuade me to join. He told me that the club was close to signing an exclusive marketing partnership with a second-division team in Burkina Faso, that they are the first club to have an amputee XI, that they are about to run Valley Express service from Calais, and how Charlton are at the very forefront of the ELTAF movement (Encouraging Lesbians to Attend Football)."

Stokes continued, "I told Varney I was here to further my career and improve as a player, but he kept reminding me the club runs after-school technology workshops should things not work out. It wasn't the message I wanted to hear. At the end of the day, it's a footballing decision and we parted on good terms assuring me that if my hearing goes, the Deaf XI need someone who knows where the back of the net is."