FRANKIE VALLEY'S SECRET DIARY, PART I

FRANKIE VALLEY'S SECRET DIARY

NEW YORK - SUNDAY 3rd FEB

Dear Diary,

Whew! What a week I’ve had. All highs and lows, it’s been. First there was the high high high of Stoke, and then the low low low of Scunthorpe. What is it about our heroes eh? It seems that we can do the business against the better teams alright, but when it comes to the rubbish….. we go to pieces. Makes you think - if we ever get relegated to League One (hmph!), we are TOAST. We’ll be playing against rubbish sides every week, so we’ll get beat every week. What a gruesome prospect that would be.

However, here’s a crumb of comfort. Should we ever get back into the Premier League - you never know, it could happen - we’ll be just fine because we’ll be playing against the crème de la crème, week in week out. Yes, we’ll be playing against teams like Derby. And Reading. And Sunderland. And Fulham. And Wigan. Readers, what a juicy prospect that is eh?

Speaking of Wigan – did you see that spectacular miss from Marcus Bent against the Hamsters? Hi – chuffin - larious! Now that the transfer window is closed, and we’ve got no chance of ever getting rid of the lazy git, normal service can be resumed. We can say what we really think. There is no longer any point in trying to talk up his net worth. FACT - he’s worthless. And useless. As the placards up at Old Trafford said – THANKS CURBS….

Off the field, I’ve been busy tying up a short-term deal with New York Addick for a little bit of tax-free moonlighting freelance inter-continental blogging whilst I get myself together again. Rest assured, I’m not going to over-do it – no way. For a start, I’ve got my psychiatrist out here keeping an eye on me. He’s Bulgarian, and slightly unorthodox. In fact he’s nutty as a fruity cake.

It was Doctor Kishishev’s suggestion that we come out here in the first place. He felt that I need to get away from it all, to have some quality time, just him and me. So we paddled out here in Doctor Kish’s dinghy, and let me tell you – this fella is an animal. He did all the paddling, while I just sat there playing with my gooseberry gizmo. And it only took him four days, from Woolwich to Noo Yoik. Remind me Westie – how long did it take you eh? Twenty-odd days, was it? For pity’s sakes man, WHAT KEPT YOU???

Doctor Kish has had me on a this gruelling course of treatment, which he tells me he has often used on himself with some success. The basic tenet is this: emotional stability through physical well-being. Saturday afternoon he took me down the park, and got me to run around in ever-decreasing circles like a blue-arsed fly.

Every now and then he threw me a football and asked me to whack it as hard as I can, anywhere I like. Doesn’t matter where it goes – just close your eyes and give it some welly! And boy oh boy, did that feel good. We did this for ninety-minutes, and by the time we finished I was completely knackered. As a matter of fact I went bow-legged under the strain, and they still haven’t straightened out fully. Not only that – we’ve lost a dozen or so footballs somewhere.

But Doctor Kish seems to be pleased with my progress, and thats all that matters. Doctor Kish and I are out here in Noo Yoik till Tuesday – then we paddle back for the Palace game on Friday. It all sounds a bit tight to me but Doctor Kish says not to worry, we should be back in plenty of time. Apparently we’ll be going with the tide on the way back.

If anybody else out there feels they could do with a bit of psychiatric assistance after the Scunthorpe debacle, I can thoroughly recommend Doctor Kish to you. OK, he’s bonkers and not completely house-trained, but he’s very keen and very, very cheap. I like that.

Frankie.

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LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Frankie Valley is currently on loan to New York Addick, and the words above are entirely his. While New York Addick has made every attempt to ensure that the information contained above has been obtained from reliable sources, he is not responsible for any errors of omissions, or from the results obtained from the use of such information. In no event will New York Addick, its related partnerships or corporations, or the partners, agents or employees thereof be liable to you or anyone else for any decision made, or action taken in reliance on the information on this site.