With news emanating from The Valley having slowed to a trickle, I decided once again to hack into the club’s email server to gauge what was really going on in SE7.
Email traffic is typically much lower during the summer months, so I had to dig particularly deep to build an accurate picture:
Subject: Re: New contract
I would be delighted to accept your new 1-year contract offer of a 67% salary cut with no bonuses. I'm genuinely touched by your kindness, thank you.
Have a terrific summer!
Subject: Time to Leave
Dear President Mugabe
As one of England's most exciting young football managers, it's been hard to sit back and just watch the tragedy unfold in your country.
Whilst I was at West Ham, I also reached a point where I had to be honest and say to myself, "...enough now, it's time to move on."
My career is flourishing again thankfully, but the lesson could not be clearer.
Sincerely, Alan Pardew
ps - I read somewhere that it costs 3 billion Zimbabwe dollars just to buy a pint of milk. That's nothing.....you should try bidding for a decent central midfielder. LOL!
I just wanted to say thanks very much for a great season. I'm truly honoured to have finished up as Wigan's top scorer, and I owe you so much for the trust you placed in my abilities.
I'm guessing there's now just some annoying administrative paperwork to complete, but in the meantime I'm in great shape and itching to join you all at pre-season training.
All the very best
Subject: Re: Re: Palace bid
Whatever, Paddy. Listen, other than being our most outstanding defender since Xmas, and the only player in the entire squad with any leadership qualities, I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at.
Anyhow, you're too similar to Mark Hudson.
ps - Stop moaning, at least you won't have to move hotel.
Subject: Next Season
Jessica and I just got back from a mother/baby class. It's so funny, Jessica is just like her Daddy....you can tell she can do so much more, but she's just too lazy to show it!
Anyhow, I bumped into that nice Mrs Faye at the class, and she mentioned that Charlton are trying to get rid of all the lads they signed in the Premiership. Is this true? I'm not sure I can face moving again.
Love you, R.
Subject: Re: Thanks
Benty, give me a quick bell on my mobile fella...07838 382844--------------------Sent by my Blackberry Wireless Handheld
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Transfer negotiation
Honestly Stu, I do understand your concerns, but let me put it this way.....Toddy and Izzy are always crocked, Varney's a winger, Big Chris is useless, Dicko is going back out on loan, Andy is homesick, and I haven't got a clue where Benty is.
I don't think a lack of first-team football should be your primary concern.
To: FIRST TEAM-ALL@cafc.co.uk
I don't mean to sound like a Headmaster, but I'd be very grateful if you addressed me either as 'Mr Waggott', or occasionally 'Steve'. I take great offence at being referred to as 'Waggo', 'The Wagster', or 'David Brent'.
Peter 'Reg' Varney may have been more relaxed, but I'm afraid my approach is more traditional than his.
ps - still no takers for the hospital visit tomorrow afternoon?
Subject: Straight replacement
Hey Fergie - wassssssssup?
In case yo is checkin for a straight replacement like for dat Ronaldo ding, I fink I could be your geezer, innit?
We is both comfortable like on eitha wing, and we can both score a goal. I knows he got like 42 last season, and I ain't got none (which is well sick), but who's countin'?
Get in touch wiv my agent if you is interested. I ain't checkin' for more than £65,000 per week cos I know moolah is well important to you Jocks, innit? Any less than dat and you is well dissin' me.
Subject: Re: Still no interest?
Listen Amdy I promise you, the IT guys have checked the phones, the email and the fax machine. They're all working fine.
You're costing us £25,000 per week, yet Pards can't risk playing you in case you get injured.
Do you perhaps have any experience in catering or retail?
Subject: Re: Next season
Keep your mouth shut love, I don't think they've noticed.--------------------Sent from my Blackberry Wireless Handheld
Subject: Welcome to CAFC!
As the club's new Chief Executive, may I be the first to welcome you to Charlton Athletic Football Club.
Attached is your 'New Signing Information Pack,' which contains a ton of vital information on local bars, nightclubs, solicitors, luxury car dealerships etc..
All the very best to you,
ps - are you free this afternoon for a hospital visit? No big deal....just chat to the terminally ill kids, hand out some toys, maybe sing a few songs etc..
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Central Midfield problems
THERRY RACON! Genius! You're wasted as an assistant, I tell you.
ps - do you honestly think the fans will fall for it?
Subject: Re: Iran vs Charlton
Dear His Excellency President Ahmadinejad
We are delighted to accept your kind offer of a preseason friendly against your esteemed Iranian national team.
To avoid confusion, may I kindly point out however that Charlton are known as 'the Addicks', rather than 'the Infidels'?
ps - forgive me if part of your email was lost in translation...."Ayatollah substitutes can we utilise?"
Please explain, thanks.
Subject: Re: Wolves approach
Chris, I understand why you're upset, but I feel obliged to take issue with your pithy comment about 'a lack of loyalty'. Paddy was actually signed seventeen days later than you, so if anyone should feel aggrieved, then it's him.
ps - They want to discuss terms later today if possible. If I were you, I'd opt for that new M6 Toll Road.....totally cuts out all the nonsense around Spaghetti Junction. You can take the money out of petty cash.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Iran vs Charlton
Ayatollah How Many!!!! :-)
"How many substitutes?" I love it!
(Pards would prefer up to eleven if possible)
Subject: Re: Re: Guess what?
Yeah right, and if it's 'out of his hands' then how come those useless muppets Ambrose and Thomas are still there?
The only time I saw a cross last season was when I attended church.
Subject: FW: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Central Midfield problems
Je suis very sorry Monsieur Pardéw, but qu'est que c'est 'creative midfield lynchpin'?
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Iranian missile testing
I agree it's unlikely Israel would try to draw CAFC into the conflict directly, but I think it's vital we're seen to take a moral stand here. I'm therefore instructing you to call the game off.
Subject: Bent's finally gone
He's driving up the M4 quite literally as we speak.
Can't believe Cardiff fell for those videos! Brilliant idea to superimpose his head on Darren Bent's body.
Subject: Re: Re: Cancellation
I understand your anger, but unfortunately I'm not really in a position to debate whether Iran's defence is indeed strong enough to "repel all foreign invaders", as you put it.
I would merely add however that Charlton felt the exact same way last season until Yassin Moutaouakil got injured.
Subject: Re: Re: Cardiff transfer
Don't be angry babe, it's nothing like Wigan, I promise you. They've even got a Tiger Tiger.
ps - Charlotte Church and that rugby fella live nearby.....they're always in the tabloids.
Gaffer, I think I've just spotted Benty at Watford Gap services.
Bit of a strange route to take to Cardiff isn't it?--------------------Sent by my Blackberry Wireless Handheld
Subject: OFFICIAL BID FOR CHARLTON ATHLETIC
Dear Mr Varney
After months of due diligence, AEG Worldwide bids £45million to buy Charlton Athletic, with an intention to invest further unlimited sums until the Champions League is secured.
Yours sincerely, Philip Anschutz
Subject: Re: FW: Benty
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? JUST GET RID OF HIM!
Subject: Out of Office Reply - Re: OFFICIAL BID FOR CHARLTON ATHLETIC
Thank you for your email. I resigned from my role on 30 June, and not a moment too soon.
If you are a....Player
: "No, you can't have any more money!"Disgruntled Supporter
: "Go and support Chelsea then."Agent
: "No, we are not interested in any promising Nigerian youngsters."Valley Express customer
: "I'm delighted to hear you're enjoying the service."Potential Investor
: "Go away, the club's not for sale."
If you are none of the above, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org
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