New challenge for Varney

Following the overwhelming success of Operation Riverside, UK defence secretary John Reid has enlisted the help of Addicks chief Peter Varney to bring home British troops from Iraq. "It's a logistical nightmare," admitted Reid, "...but with Varney in charge, anything is possible."

Although initial reports were sketchy, Varney intends to utilise a combination of military planes, Chinook helicopters and luxury coaches. "The war's gone deep into extra time," mused Varney, "...it's time to bring the boys home."

The initial batch of coaches will leave as follows:

12.15pm Fallujah (Green Man)

12.45pm Baghdad Central (White Hart)

1.00pm Baghdad North (Coach 'n Horses)

1.15pm Basra (Little Chef)

1.30pm Najaf East (Ikea)

1.45pm Mosul (The Jester)