Dental Health Act

"Wherever you are in the world, people instantly recognise the face of Michael Beckham", or so claimed the commentator on this morning's game on ABC.

Here then is a picture of a Dr Michael Beckham, whom I assume he was referring to, a dentist from Iowa who claims confidently that, "In his twenty two years of private practice, he has taken countless hours of continuing education which has allowed him and his staff to deliver superior patient care in all areas of general dentistry including orthodontics, endodontics, implants and TMJ treatment."

Later in the same game, England's right-sided midfielder suddenly became known instead as 'Beckett', perhaps a distant relative of the Irish writer Samuel? Either way, my biggest fears about the American commentators ruining the amazing spectacle that is the World Cup were confirmed.

Here are a few more gems:

"There's Beckett, married of course to Victoria Posh."

"It's only an hour and a half from England to Frankfurt - it must feel like a home game for those English fans."

"If Crouch gets himself sent off, England will be down to ten men."

Luckily the hilarity of the commentary made up for the fact that the game itself was so soporific. I appreciate that the result is key but if we perform like that against a more accomplished side, we will get found out for sure. The problem seems to be the wanton lack of pace in the side when Owen is not playing - the likes of Cole, Lampard and Beckham are all fine players in their own way, but pacy they are certainly not. Rooney would obviously bring a new dimension, but on the evidence of today's performance we are certainly not worthy second favourites, with or without the wunderkind.

Pleasingly the Trinidad/Sweden game was enormously entertaining and the shock result throws Group B wide open though England should surely have enough guile to break down Trinidad to ensure qualification with at least six points.