Pardew's Rough Guide

"May I politely request that a few people pencil in a weekend in Blackpool. I find it's always nice on the brink of spring, with a pleasant coastal breeze and plenty of entertainment on offer...." (Alan Pardew, 20 Feb 2008)

The gaffer's heartfelt appeal to the Charlton masses, poetically combined a hitherto unknown gift for meteorology, with the honest thoughts of a man who clearly loves to travel. It certainly conjured up different memories to my own of Blackpool, a town of flea-ridden B&Bs, fast food emporiums and seemingly inhabited by the people that time forgot.

However, given that Pards is sure to be a very busy man as the season draws to a close, I've compiled below a handy guide (written in his own inimitable style) to our remaining away fixtures, ideal to cut and paste straight into the matchday programme or onto the official website:

SHEFFIELD UNITED: "I bet you didn't know that Sheffield is built on seven hills, just like Rome? But give me a weekend in Sheffield over Rome any day. I mean, have you seen the Coliseum? It isn't even finished yet (and I bet you thought the new Wembley took a long time). Most importantly, there's no Italians there....well there was that Paolo di Canio, but he didn't last long."

BURNLEY: "The racist capital of Britain perhaps? And to think they say the town has nothing going for it. It's seen better days for sure, but last time I checked it definitely had a Wetherspoons, so it's certainly not lacking for culture. Get up there early, savour a pre-match pint of real ale and enjoy a bracing walk to the famous old stadium. Just be sure to mind the chavs hanging around outside Poundstretcher."

IPSWICH: "A short hop up the A12 and you're in Ipswich, the beating agricultural heart of South Suffolk. Felixstowe may have its thriving port, but does it have a soul? Addicks fans must be made of stone if they choose not to arrive just as the gates open, take their seats in the Cobbold Stand, and see if they can't still sense the continued presence of all those greats that have graced the Portman Road turf. The names just roll off the tongue don't they?.....Beattie, Muhren, Butcher, Brazil and Bent. I'm referring to Darren of course; Marcus was a pile of shit as usual."

PLYMOUTH: "I'm not gay, but I do have plenty of gay friends. And if there's one thing that unites them both, it's a shared love of a man in naval uniform. It's a look that screams honour, pride and patriotism. And believe me, there's no shortage of smartly turned-out sailors in this often overlooked Devon city. So what are you waiting for? Get your tickets for the away end, and you might just get your end away. If you're not that way inclined, don't let that stop you; it's only two hours from London by car."

QPR: "Some say the stadium is in White City, others say Shepherds Bush. Frankly I couldn't care less if it was in George W. Bush, just get your arse over there and let's turn it red and white. Unfortunately you can't see one of the goals from some of the away seats, but don't worry I've told the lads not to score in that one, especially Izale McLeod. Oh, and on your way back to the station do Pards a favour; pop your head in to BBC Television Centre, and tell them my invitation to appear on Strictly Come Dancing has been lost in the post (again)."

BARNSLEY: "Georgi Hristov famously said that all the local women were dogs; I wouldn't mind, but he's Macedonian, and they've not exactly dominated Miss World since winning independence have they? So if pulling is an important part of your away day trip, simply ignore Georgi's ignorant comments, and get up there and fill your boots (just make sure she's been spayed first). It's our final away trip too, so put on your fancy dress and let's have a right old knees-up, and see if we can't push on for 9th place."